MY life My problems Not yours!

Recently I was accused of using someone else's problems for my own personal gain.

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about that. Recently I hit rock bottom emotionally and wanted to commit suicide. I took a few extra blood pressure pills. I knew when I took them it wasn't likely enough to do the job but I tried. Because of that attempt my primary wanted me to have a psych eval.

This person also tried to commit suicide twice. They were rescued thank God.

I am sorry that that is our comparison between us. But I can also say my reasons had nothing to do with that person. I am hurting for totally different reasons and have been for a few years. It just happened that I hit rock bottom last recently.

You see I am alone. I sit here day in and day out and never have company that just comes to visit. Rarely get a phone call either. I don't have a lot of friends to go visit and those I have are a long drive away that I can't afford to go. Even my family is a long drive that I can't afford to take.  I am lonely.

I have spent my entire life with other people in the house. People I can talk to and share with and laugh with. But now I am alone. I can't do alone well but I am having to do so.

I long for my phone to ring. I long for the knock at the door for a friend. I long for a conversation to expand my mind out of this feeling of loneliness.

My problems are not this persons nor is it because of this person. The only involvement with this person if I was using anything was I was holding on to them as my support system. As someone who was saving me. I am lonely.

No I don't think suicide is the answer. No I am not suicidal. If I was I have enough pills here I could end things and no one would know for days or even weeks because I am alone.

Death isn't my wish. Life is.

But not this life of loneliness.

Loving Her

Late last year my girlfriend broke up with me. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I loved her. She had stolen my heart. She was so giving, caring, compassionate and deserved to much in return.

Recently, she reconnected with me. We're just friends at this time. Will we get back together? I don't know. I hope and pray we will. I still love her so very much. I long to hold her. I long to feel her touch. I so valued her companionship and love.

AND.....I FAILED HER.

If you love someone tell them. Don't just say I love you a hundred times a day. Don't just make love to them. Don't just hold them and spend time with them.

Take the time to say Thank You. Say it expecting nothing in return. Say Thank You for all the little things they do and express how you feel because of it. Value them as treasure you can't live without. Make them feel how you feel when they go out of their way for you.

So to the person who holds my heart I say I love you and thank you for all you've ever done. You deserve more than I ever gave in return and for that I am sorry.

Here is my promise - I promise from now on to take the time to give back to you all you give me. I will carry your heart tenderly and softly with love and compassion like you did mine. I promise to always take the time to express my feelings to you fully.

I love you

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Forty Years of waiting Coming to a Close pt. 19

Amputation isn't a small thing. Oh sure it is a common thing that many people face. But it isn't small. There are a lot of changes with how you do things, how you handle physical things and figuring out how to still do most or all you used to do.

There are many things about living as an amputee that I have no clue about. Apprehension has a way of creeping in and trying to steal my excitement. Yet, I am not not weak minded or easily swayed from paths that I set myself on. One I make up my mind on something it is pretty much a done deal. Sometimes I procrastinate and sometimes I am full steam ahead. But either way I get it done.

As I am typing this my leg is throbbing, it smells because I need to change the bandaging and hurts for many reasons. I haven't taken my pain pills yet but will shortly. It is those reasons above that help keep me focused on wanting this amputation. And too, I have received nothing but kind, supportive words from all of you reading my many post. Thank you for those.

I look at this amputation as a way of moving forward but also to eliminate pain, discomfort and smell. Many of you who struggle with back pain, Fibo, or some other form of painful struggles daily have said on Facebook over the years - wish I could get a new back or body. Sadly that isn't an option for you. Lord knows I wish it was.

For me I have an option. Only two things stood in my way - finding a doctor who agreed to my wishes and being brave enough to go through with it.

A lot of what I am saying in this post I have said before. I guess the point of this post would have to be this. No matter what you are struggling with, no matter how bad things get or how much pain you face never give up. If you are offered a form of treatment that can give you release find the strength to go through with your option.

And no matter what you face in life. No matter how big the hurdle remember there are others out there facing the same hurdles. Dealing with the same kind of pain. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your struggles.

Forty Years of waiting Coming to a Close pt. 18

Another WOW moment. After the amputation I'll be foot loose and fancy free. 🤣

Forty Years of waiting Coming to a Close pt. 17

WOW moment. After the amputation I will be able to join a three legged race competition as the third leg.

Forty Years of waiting Coming to a Close pt. 16

A while back I complained about the nurse practitioner I see at the clinic and that I never see a doctor. I have asked and asked and asked for pain pills because of my leg. The only pain killers that work is Hydrocodone. She gave me everything but those.

Finally after meeting with the surgeon who will do the amputation on May 5th I called him back yesterday. Keep in mind I only saw him once so far. I asked if there was anyway I could get some pain pills for my leg. Without hesitation he prescribed me Hydrocodone. Granted it was only enough to get me through to the amputation but at least he gave them to me.

This is exactly why I prefer seeing doctors over nurse practitioners. I knew if I ever saw a doctor I would get what I needed. Because of this I slept wonderfully last night.