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True Streams of Personal Fear

As I sit here today I am contemplating my future - where will I live, where will I go, how will I survive. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit scared of the future.

My girlfriend of eight years is back in the hospital. Thankfully it isn't serious - at least not as much so as we had thought it would be. She has had C.O.P.D., emphysema, and other health issues since before I met her. Over the last couple of years it has been getting progressively worse. Right now she is having a very hard time keeping her oxygen up over 90 cc. We thought it might be pneumonia but doctor has ruled that out.

I guess maybe calling her my girlfriend is OK but I'm not sure that it is accurate. We don't sleep together. We don't have sex or even kiss any longer. Honestly we are together out of convenience more then anything else. Neither of us really have anyone else to depend live with or depend on. Oh sure she could go live with her daughter but her daughter has a family of her own. Besides that her daughter seems to want to avoid her as much as possible. I won't go into details just stating how it appears.

I don't mean to sound selfish or disrespectful but I'm scared for myself. more then anything else. I worry about her but scared for me. See I've have never lived alone - ever! Unless you count the week I spent in a cabin that I was going to rent as a place of residents many years ago. Once I got my found out I would have to pay my own utilities I moved back in with my sister out of fear of cost.

I have always wanted to live alone - at least for a little while. I want to be able to come and go as I please: Not having to explain where I've been, how long I'm going to be gone or when I will return.

Up until I was 21 or 22 years old I lived with family somewhere. Mostly I lived at home. I went straight from there to living with a girlfriend who became my wife. We were married nine years. After that I lived with my family again and then back to another girlfriend/wife and then to another girlfriend back to family and back to another wife. My last wife and I lived with her dad. Once we got divorced she moved out and I continued to live with her dad. He is a wonderful man, whom I was blessed to have known. Ultimately, I met my current girlfriend, moved to Michigan to live close to her family. That has been the way of my life for the last 25 to 26 years. I'm tired, worn out and ready for a change - I THINK!?!

Always prided myself on working, making money. Sadly never enough money to support myself or others but I worked and worked hard. If anyone has worked in food service you know what I mean. I also worked as a desk clerk in a hotel once, a doughnut finisher/counter clerk and at a couple of gas stations. I even managed to get a job many, many years ago working for American Red Cross doing inventory and teaching first aid class while getting paid for it all. Spent a great number of years in one form of management or other but never long enough at any one place to consider it a career - yet always within the food service industry.

In 2008 I finally got on disability. I never wanted on disability before but I knew my body was wearing out quickly and it was time to retire while I still has some life yet in this old frame of mine. If you know about my medical problems you'll understand all this better.

Back to current time - I am scared of the future. More so because in all honestly I no longer have any family. Mom passed many years ago. Dad is 95 years old, he and my brothers and sisters haven't spoken to me, called me or had any communication with me for years. Even my own daughter avoids me and my childhood friends have abandoned me also. No, no, no - I am not complaining. I am not whining or bitching or anything else. Merely explaining where everything stands in my life at this point in time to make things clearer when explaining my feelings.

When the day comes that my current girlfriend is no longer around I don't know what will become of me. Always before I had a back up plan. Someplace I could turn to in case I needed it. Now all those avenues are closed. Some of those closures were because of my actions - some not so much. Either way I made my own bed so I must lie in it.

Oddly enough I am even more concerned about my dog - Buddy. Being alone I could always find some kind of shelter but with a dog in tow things become a little more complicated. Buddy is a Chinese Crested Powder-puff and only weights about 11 lbs and is a buddy to everyone. I won't give him up. Losing him would be a little more then I could bare (not sure if that is the right bare LOL).

I'm scared but not stupid. I'm also very bullheaded (hence the fact I've been married three times). I have no doubt I'll survive alone. Even if it is only a short time. Who knows maybe I'll get blessed and win the Mega Million Lottery, give up my disability and find some town some place out west I could buy cheap (like Buford, WY.) that way I can truly experience solitude like never before. I'd have to have Buddy with me or maybe his some of his off spring.