True Streams of Personal Fear

As I sit here today I am contemplating my future - where will I live, where will I go, how will I survive. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit scared of the future.

My girlfriend of eight years is back in the hospital. Thankfully it isn't serious - at least not as much so as we had thought it would be. She has had C.O.P.D., emphysema, and other health issues since before I met her. Over the last couple of years it has been getting progressively worse. Right now she is having a very hard time keeping her oxygen up over 90 cc. We thought it might be pneumonia but doctor has ruled that out.

I guess maybe calling her my girlfriend is OK but I'm not sure that it is accurate. We don't sleep together. We don't have sex or even kiss any longer. Honestly we are together out of convenience more then anything else. Neither of us really have anyone else to depend live with or depend on. Oh sure she could go live with her daughter but her daughter has a family of her own. Besides that her daughter seems to want to avoid her as much as possible. I won't go into details just stating how it appears.

I don't mean to sound selfish or disrespectful but I'm scared for myself. more then anything else. I worry about her but scared for me. See I've have never lived alone - ever! Unless you count the week I spent in a cabin that I was going to rent as a place of residents many years ago. Once I got my found out I would have to pay my own utilities I moved back in with my sister out of fear of cost.

I have always wanted to live alone - at least for a little while. I want to be able to come and go as I please: Not having to explain where I've been, how long I'm going to be gone or when I will return.

Up until I was 21 or 22 years old I lived with family somewhere. Mostly I lived at home. I went straight from there to living with a girlfriend who became my wife. We were married nine years. After that I lived with my family again and then back to another girlfriend/wife and then to another girlfriend back to family and back to another wife. My last wife and I lived with her dad. Once we got divorced she moved out and I continued to live with her dad. He is a wonderful man, whom I was blessed to have known. Ultimately, I met my current girlfriend, moved to Michigan to live close to her family. That has been the way of my life for the last 25 to 26 years. I'm tired, worn out and ready for a change - I THINK!?!

Always prided myself on working, making money. Sadly never enough money to support myself or others but I worked and worked hard. If anyone has worked in food service you know what I mean. I also worked as a desk clerk in a hotel once, a doughnut finisher/counter clerk and at a couple of gas stations. I even managed to get a job many, many years ago working for American Red Cross doing inventory and teaching first aid class while getting paid for it all. Spent a great number of years in one form of management or other but never long enough at any one place to consider it a career - yet always within the food service industry.

In 2008 I finally got on disability. I never wanted on disability before but I knew my body was wearing out quickly and it was time to retire while I still has some life yet in this old frame of mine. If you know about my medical problems you'll understand all this better.

Back to current time - I am scared of the future. More so because in all honestly I no longer have any family. Mom passed many years ago. Dad is 95 years old, he and my brothers and sisters haven't spoken to me, called me or had any communication with me for years. Even my own daughter avoids me and my childhood friends have abandoned me also. No, no, no - I am not complaining. I am not whining or bitching or anything else. Merely explaining where everything stands in my life at this point in time to make things clearer when explaining my feelings.

When the day comes that my current girlfriend is no longer around I don't know what will become of me. Always before I had a back up plan. Someplace I could turn to in case I needed it. Now all those avenues are closed. Some of those closures were because of my actions - some not so much. Either way I made my own bed so I must lie in it.

Oddly enough I am even more concerned about my dog - Buddy. Being alone I could always find some kind of shelter but with a dog in tow things become a little more complicated. Buddy is a Chinese Crested Powder-puff and only weights about 11 lbs and is a buddy to everyone. I won't give him up. Losing him would be a little more then I could bare (not sure if that is the right bare LOL).

I'm scared but not stupid. I'm also very bullheaded (hence the fact I've been married three times). I have no doubt I'll survive alone. Even if it is only a short time. Who knows maybe I'll get blessed and win the Mega Million Lottery, give up my disability and find some town some place out west I could buy cheap (like Buford, WY.) that way I can truly experience solitude like never before. I'd have to have Buddy with me or maybe his some of his off spring.

My Church and Me

I have been working a lot lately with my home church - Grace Harvest Church in Burton, MI. I started there strictly looking for a church I could attend and feel welcomed - and welcomed I did.


I used to run the camera to record the sermons for our website but the last few weeks I've moved upstairs to the sound both area. In the sound both my job is to operate the program for the projector. Part of this job - my choice - is to prepare slides of the sermon outline and other related items for each Sunday.

When we first started using the projector system we mainly used it to display the song lyrics we were singing and show announcements. I am going to do everything I can to increase the use of the projector so our members get the very most out of each sermon.

You can learn more about my church on our website by clicking on the link above or visit us on FaceBook at Grace Harvest Church in Burton, MI.

Where Have You Been?

For some reason I have neglected this blog while working on my other blog. According to my stats I am averaging over 150 views per month on my other blog. That is great but this is or was suppose to be my main blog for daily posting. Not sure how I messed that up.

If you haven't checked my other blog I would be gracefully appreciative if you would check it out. We the People are Confused.  We the People are Confused: Streams of Consciousness seems to be where I spend most of my time ranting about our failing, selfish government and other injustices. That would be funny to those that have known me for a very long time because I know little to nothing about politics and avoid political debates. Sadly as I have gotten older I have come to view things differently and feel that it is every American's responsibility to be heard - even if they're wrong. I'm the first to admit I am likely wrong about a number of things.


I have another blog post also called "Pictures from Emails". I had first started that blog to share some of the wonderful email pictures I had received over the years but shortly after starting it I seem to have lost contact with people that actually send me emails. Only emails I get now are spam, things from FaceBook applications or my many many financial supports in Nigeria wanting me to send my full name, address, banking routing number, phone number, etc etc so I can collect the millions of dollars I've been rewarded from various wealthy persons I don't know. One of these days I will hopefully start receiving emails from people that actually know me and want to share funny, cute or thought provocative pictures with me. Until then I'll sit back knowing I have all the money I'll ever need once I send my information.

If any of you that happen to read this would like to share such emails as mentioned above please let me know. I would love to share with others some of the wonderful pictures I receive. 

Have you ever?

Have you ever had a friend you've wronged? Have you ever said something innocently that was taken so wrongly someone cried? I have done both of these things and both still haunt me today.

I believe we have all likely said something innocently at one time or another only to have our comment taken insultingly. What happened to me started off as a wonderful day, in a new city while looking at a rental place. The older lady that showed us the house had her grand-daughter and grand-daughter's husband.

The grand-daughter and her husband were a young couple and out going. Through the conversation I off handily ask the grand-daughter, "When is the baby due?" The grand-daughter and her husband turned white and she started crying as she left the room.

I don't know if she cried because I spoiled a surprise to the grandmother or if she thought I was implying she looked fat. I won't say she looked fat but I will say she looked pregnant (Hench my thinking of pending delivery). As you can imaging we never heard back about that house after that.

Wronging a friend is the hardest to deal with emotionally for me. Friendships are bridges people like myself can't afford to burn. In this case I didn't so much burn it as badly destroy it, requiring time and energy to repair. I still have this person as a friend, thankfully, but I'm very much aware that the relationship we had will never be what it once was.

This friend invited me to their home state and treated me to a beautiful hotel close to the Atlantic Ocean, great food and wonderful conversation. What I did was ruined everything this friend tried to offer. I was ruined, moody and acted worse like I had a right to feel what I was feeling - even though I didn't!

My hope, prayer and wish for this friend is for us to someday to share time together again. I want so badly to show this friend that I'm not a selfish jerk, spoil brat, total ass who only things of himself. For now settling for a strained friendship is better then a total lost of that friendship.

I can live with the first example and have for over 20 years now but the second example haunts me daily.